BrianJarrett.com

I saw one of these while driving past the Catholic Supply in South City (no, that’s not a joke). It was prominently displayed in the window in all its plastic glory.

Target actually carries these things, believe it or not. Not only does he look awesome (and European) he talks as well (in English). He has a five out of five star rating (of course).

He has product features too. Action Jesus brings the following to the table:

• He brings the New Testament to life with a Jesus character that kids can play with and move.
• He’s God’s only son.
• He helps people by teaching them God’s lessons, healing them and performing miracles (I’d like to him perform the miracle of getting gas under $2.00 per gallon again).
• He’s a delightful “action figure” and a fully interactive way for children to learn and participate in religious education.
• And of course he comes with batteries included.

The box is awesome too. He’s packaged like a Lord of the Rings character. He’s known as “Jesus - God’s Son”. Like “Gandalf - Grey Wizard” or “Aragorn - Heir to the Throne of Gondor”.

I’m thinking about buying one of these. Maybe I’ll start my own YouTube series staring Action Jesus. Hell, if that twerpy little creep Chris Crocker can do it then why not me? I could find a Chuck Norris doll and have a battle to the death (of course J.C. has the advantage in that he just comes back to life).

He also comes with his own picture book. I’m guessing the children’s picture book doesn’t have pictures of people stoning heretics, mass-murdering entire groups of people and taking their virgins, having sex with their fathers, or killing people who work on Sunday. I mean it might but I think it might be bad for business. Maybe it would be better if he came with night vision goggles instead.

What I like most about it is that it relegates this silliness to a toy, right where it should belong.